Behave As If. . .

He really is the best!

OK, I've decided it's time for me to come clean. I'm a huge Dr. Laura fan. I love to find myself with someplace to go in the afternoon just so I can listen to her show in the car. I have a portable stereo in Kaitlin's room on which to listen to Dr. Laura's show, to inspire me to stay in there and play with her after her naps. Although I don't agree with everything she says, she has some great insights into life, and especially insights into life as a woman.

One of my favorite pieces of advice from Dr. Laura is to "Behave as if . . ." Often when a woman calls in complaining of something, say, her husband's inconsiderate behavior, Dr. Laura will advise the listener to behave as if he is the best husband in the world. She tells the wife to find any reason to compliement her husband for any little thing he does right. She almost promises results from this course of action. She says that when we treat people as if they are one way, even if they are not, they will generally rise to the compliment and gradually their behavior will align with that treatment. (A side note, I've never heard her advise this to somebody who was in an abusive or otherwise dangerous situation--we're talking minor grievances, here.)

Last night I was writing a note to one of the ladies I visit teach. My companion and I just can't seem to get in touch with her. Since we just had visiting teaching interviews I was determined that if I had to make a mail contact, I would do it right. I wrote to her about one the the Conference talks we talked about with the other two ladies we visit. I reviewed Russell M. Nelson's talk titled "Nurturing Marriage." In it he talks about three ways to strengthen marriages. The first way is to appreciate your spouse. Elder Nelson says, "As grateful partners look for the good in each other and sincerely pay compliments to one another, wives and husbands will strive to become the persons described in those compliments."

This sounded suspiciously similar to Dr. Laura's advice to "behave as if." This is how I see it. We all love to receive compliments. When a good deed is noticed and commented upon, we suddenly have the desire to repeat that action and find another one that will elicit the same response. When this occurs in a marriage that marriage takes on a whole new face. On the one hand it causes us to be more appreciative of our spouse and to constantly look for things to appreciate. On the other hand it can also lead to a chain of service between a husband and wife. Ultimately these behaviors will lead to more loving feelings between the husband and wife. I hope the way I describe this doesn't sound as if it's manipulative or condescending. In my mind it is anything but. In child rearing or pet training it's called positive reinforcement. This is merely a grown up version of that.

I can think of two examples of "behaving as if" I've employed in my marriage. First is the letters I've started writing to Jeremy. I find that the times I'm most annoyed with him are the times I think about sitting down and writing him a letter. A love letter. A letter telling him everything I love and admire about him. When I'm done I no longer feel annoyed. I just feel grateful that I have such a wonderful husband. The second is journal writing. Since I get annoyed with him more often than I feel is appropriate to send letters to him at work, I sometimes do this letter writing exercise in my journal. The results are the same. Focusing on the good and writing a letter as if I think he's the best thing that ever happened to my world helps draw my attention away from whatever was bothering me. It leaves me feeling a lot happier, less stressed, and with a renewed love for my husband.

Incidentally, I think this has a lot of different applications in life. There are so many situations where "behaving as if" can completely turn our experiences and perceptions around. When I'm unhappy, if I can step back and really look at what's going on, I often am struck by the idea that the only thing preventing myself from feeling happy is that I am not allowing myself to feel that way. Behaving as if I'm happy can turn that around quickly. In social situations where I anticipate that I won't have fun, behaving as if I'm having fun makes me have fun. Does this sound like a serious case of denial? Probably. Yes. It's denying myself the misery that I would normally feel and allowing myself to feel joy. It's something that we have to work at. Sometimes I think we all need to be reminded of that.