I Can't Stop Thinking About. . .
. . .some of your responses to my "Behave as If" post. Jill said that she's immature in this area because she feels like she shouldn't have to make all of the effort. Jessie echoed this sentiment and added that she's afraid that her efforts wouldn't go noticed, and that behaving as if would reinforce bad behavior. Michelle said much the same thing. I wanted to comment on these because I think they are representative of the things that keep us from treating our spouses they way they should be treated. Yes, I said should! This may sound a little controversial, but I really believe that society teaches us that we shouldn't depend on our husbands, that we shouldn't adore them too much, and that we should expect better behavior from them than we expect of ourselves. I think, even, to some extent, we are taught that we shouldn't put as much work into our marriages as we do into other things.
Behaving as if is a leap of faith. Of course there are no guarantees that it will work, nor is it the only method that should be employed. Good communication is key. I think that behaving as if can open up unexpected lines of communication. I know that Jeremy takes complaints about his behavior a lot better when he feels appreciated. I think it's important that the compliments outweigh the complaints. I hope for all of us this is not a hard thing to do. It may take a little searching, since we are cinditioned to complaining about our husbands. But I believe we can make it a habit to compliment, thus making it much more like second nature, rather than torturous task! (Unless a man is a complete jerk, the it may not be so easy to find things to compliment him on.) Some ideas of things you can compliment your husband on include, thanking him for working hard to make sure the family has it's needs met, or simply thanking him for doing the things that he always does, such as taking out the garbage. We enjoy it when the things that are considered our "duties" (whatever they may be) are appreciated. I know I take Jeremy's "duties" for granted, and that he's a lot better at thanking me than I am at returning the favor.
As for making the effort--well somebody has to begin the cycle. I look at this as an, "I'll take the high road" kind of situation. As the instigator, even if your spouse doesn't reciprocate, or takes longer to reciprocate than you would like, at least you made the effort. In doing so you will have done something proactive to increase the love in your relationship, and will hopefully have succeeded in increasing the love you feel for your husband. I also think it's important to remember that behaving as if with a certain goal in mind is almost as self-serving as constantly criticising. Sometimes the most important lesson to be learned is simply that our spouses aren't as bad as we thought. It's kind of like a gratitude journal--the more one records the things that she's thankful for, the easier it is to think of more things. In our relationships with our husbands, the more we find things to praise, the easier it will be to find more things. Again, this idea must be qualified with the caveat that some men (and, granted, women) are simply incapable of introsepective thought. They will think that they are merely getting what is their due and, as Jessie feared, this may reinforce bad behavior. Such people are called narcissists, and for those people there is little hope. If this is the case with you, then bless you! "Behaving as if" will not work, and I hope you can find a really good mariage and family therapist! But really, the idea behind behaving as if is to compliment the good things our husbands do so that they will continue to want to do them and perhaps look for ways to increase the amount of compliments they receive. Thus the bad things are ignored and may, consequently, be dropped.
Finally, for my idea that we don't put as much effort into our marriages as we do into other things. This is something that I've been thinking about lately. It has a loose tie-in to the idea of behaving as if. Last week we had a guy come to wash our windows. During Kaitlin's nap I frantically ran around my house trying to get things cleaned up. I didn't want the window washer to see my messy house. It occurred to me that I should be doing the same thing for my husband, or even more shocking, that I shouldn't care what the window cleaner thinks of my house, but I should care a lot about what my husband thinks. Another incident from last week was Jana's birthday party. I took the time to plan a menu, prepare the main course, and make sure everyting looked inviting for the guests. Although it was not my greatest effort (things take me a lot longer these days!) it was still heads and shoulders above what I have been doing for my own family. Lately by the time Jeremy gets home, the house is a mess, nothing looks inviting, and I already have it in my mind where we're going to go to eat. Until last week I don't think I'd prepared a meal at home that wasn't macaroni and cheese, peanut butter and jelly or cold cereal in over a month. This brings me to the point I'm trying to make. We often behave as if people who are not as intimately connected to us as our husbands are more important than our spouses. We are much more concerend with impressing people who could really care less. We should, I should, behave as if my husband is the person I care most about impressing. It's just another way to show our husbands that we love them.
One final word--I am by no means perfect at this. I'm not even very good at it. I'm sure Jeremy would love to post a comment to reassure you all that you are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy in this area, because he lives with one of the most inadequate around--especially now that I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant, hormonal and crying all of the time! It is, however, a philosophy that I have given a lot of thought to. The trick to success in this area is to be consistent, which means I have to alway be on the lookout for new things to compliment Jeremy on, and to remember to actually verbalize my thoughts and feelings to him. It's hard, hard work. Most of the time I fail miserably. But in thinking about "behaving as if" I become more conscious of when I don't succeed, and can recommit myself to showing Jeremy just how much I appreciate him. So don't get down on yourself for having reservations about this concept. We all do. The important thing here is to learn to love your husband for who he or she is, to let yourself find adoration for him, and in turn let him come to adore you. I know this sounds very old fashioned, perhaps even manipulative. I prefer to think of it as gaining an understanding for my husband's needs and making sure thy're met. After all, people are basically the same as they were twenty, even forty years ago. We all want validation and appreciation. We just need to remember where the appropriate places to find these things are.
PS For everyone who has commented on The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands--I love it too. I've been thinking about reading it again. Hannah, I'm impressed with how much you look through it! It has such an unfortunate title, though. I think it puts a lot of women off. Too bad, because there is a lot of good information in there!
Behaving as if is a leap of faith. Of course there are no guarantees that it will work, nor is it the only method that should be employed. Good communication is key. I think that behaving as if can open up unexpected lines of communication. I know that Jeremy takes complaints about his behavior a lot better when he feels appreciated. I think it's important that the compliments outweigh the complaints. I hope for all of us this is not a hard thing to do. It may take a little searching, since we are cinditioned to complaining about our husbands. But I believe we can make it a habit to compliment, thus making it much more like second nature, rather than torturous task! (Unless a man is a complete jerk, the it may not be so easy to find things to compliment him on.) Some ideas of things you can compliment your husband on include, thanking him for working hard to make sure the family has it's needs met, or simply thanking him for doing the things that he always does, such as taking out the garbage. We enjoy it when the things that are considered our "duties" (whatever they may be) are appreciated. I know I take Jeremy's "duties" for granted, and that he's a lot better at thanking me than I am at returning the favor.
As for making the effort--well somebody has to begin the cycle. I look at this as an, "I'll take the high road" kind of situation. As the instigator, even if your spouse doesn't reciprocate, or takes longer to reciprocate than you would like, at least you made the effort. In doing so you will have done something proactive to increase the love in your relationship, and will hopefully have succeeded in increasing the love you feel for your husband. I also think it's important to remember that behaving as if with a certain goal in mind is almost as self-serving as constantly criticising. Sometimes the most important lesson to be learned is simply that our spouses aren't as bad as we thought. It's kind of like a gratitude journal--the more one records the things that she's thankful for, the easier it is to think of more things. In our relationships with our husbands, the more we find things to praise, the easier it will be to find more things. Again, this idea must be qualified with the caveat that some men (and, granted, women) are simply incapable of introsepective thought. They will think that they are merely getting what is their due and, as Jessie feared, this may reinforce bad behavior. Such people are called narcissists, and for those people there is little hope. If this is the case with you, then bless you! "Behaving as if" will not work, and I hope you can find a really good mariage and family therapist! But really, the idea behind behaving as if is to compliment the good things our husbands do so that they will continue to want to do them and perhaps look for ways to increase the amount of compliments they receive. Thus the bad things are ignored and may, consequently, be dropped.
Finally, for my idea that we don't put as much effort into our marriages as we do into other things. This is something that I've been thinking about lately. It has a loose tie-in to the idea of behaving as if. Last week we had a guy come to wash our windows. During Kaitlin's nap I frantically ran around my house trying to get things cleaned up. I didn't want the window washer to see my messy house. It occurred to me that I should be doing the same thing for my husband, or even more shocking, that I shouldn't care what the window cleaner thinks of my house, but I should care a lot about what my husband thinks. Another incident from last week was Jana's birthday party. I took the time to plan a menu, prepare the main course, and make sure everyting looked inviting for the guests. Although it was not my greatest effort (things take me a lot longer these days!) it was still heads and shoulders above what I have been doing for my own family. Lately by the time Jeremy gets home, the house is a mess, nothing looks inviting, and I already have it in my mind where we're going to go to eat. Until last week I don't think I'd prepared a meal at home that wasn't macaroni and cheese, peanut butter and jelly or cold cereal in over a month. This brings me to the point I'm trying to make. We often behave as if people who are not as intimately connected to us as our husbands are more important than our spouses. We are much more concerend with impressing people who could really care less. We should, I should, behave as if my husband is the person I care most about impressing. It's just another way to show our husbands that we love them.
One final word--I am by no means perfect at this. I'm not even very good at it. I'm sure Jeremy would love to post a comment to reassure you all that you are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy in this area, because he lives with one of the most inadequate around--especially now that I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant, hormonal and crying all of the time! It is, however, a philosophy that I have given a lot of thought to. The trick to success in this area is to be consistent, which means I have to alway be on the lookout for new things to compliment Jeremy on, and to remember to actually verbalize my thoughts and feelings to him. It's hard, hard work. Most of the time I fail miserably. But in thinking about "behaving as if" I become more conscious of when I don't succeed, and can recommit myself to showing Jeremy just how much I appreciate him. So don't get down on yourself for having reservations about this concept. We all do. The important thing here is to learn to love your husband for who he or she is, to let yourself find adoration for him, and in turn let him come to adore you. I know this sounds very old fashioned, perhaps even manipulative. I prefer to think of it as gaining an understanding for my husband's needs and making sure thy're met. After all, people are basically the same as they were twenty, even forty years ago. We all want validation and appreciation. We just need to remember where the appropriate places to find these things are.
PS For everyone who has commented on The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands--I love it too. I've been thinking about reading it again. Hannah, I'm impressed with how much you look through it! It has such an unfortunate title, though. I think it puts a lot of women off. Too bad, because there is a lot of good information in there!
posted by Amy at 10:03 PM
12 Comments:
I loved how you worded this. I also take it one step further, that we should care more about what our father in Heaven thinks. I love what you wrote, and will probably look on it often. I think that if I worried more about what my Father in heaven thought of me, than I would be a good wife, mother, visiting teacher, sunday school teacher, friend, sister etc. I think that I would be have how he has asked us to, like our Savior.
I think it is awesome that you shared this with us, thank you.
I started the book Proper care.... our Bishop recommended it for book club (that was a little odd to have a man refer us to it), I enjoyed it, but struggled a little with it. I agree with her concept etc, but some of her stories and language just turned me a little off at the time.
Excellent post
Interesting thoughts Amy. My first response is defensiveness, so I guess that shows where I am in the process of changing. I guess I feel foolishly stubborn about having to do everything in the relationship (why don't men ever read Dr. Laura books or self-help and then take the painful steps toward change?). I know this is immature, but really when why do "we" always have to do everything?
I do agree and appreciate your thoughts about hurrying to clean up for the window washer rather than for Jeremy, but I also find myself thinking that it's YOUR home too, you're pregnant, tired, and with a 2 year old all day so how can you possibly have the house perfect and dinner waiting everyday? You were able to muster the energy to make things nice for Jana's party because you were motivated by what we thought and because you knew it was a one-time event--but how could you do that every night? I guess that's where I get caught up, because it feels like you can't be yourself, and like we have to become wives from the 50's with a dress and pearls to greet our husbands at the door.
I know it does sound a bit like being a fifties housewife. Ok, it sounds a lot like being a fifites housewife. I think part of what I'm trying to say (and judging by the length of these two posts, I can say a whole lot on the matter. I also do better on this subject in a more conversational setting) is that we've chosen that for ourselves. We chose a life where we stay home, raise our children, take care of the house, etc. But a lot of women-and I'm not saying any of us are--seem to punish their husbands for these choices. I know I've talked about how I don't think Jeremy should have to do very much around the house. It's his job to provide for us and be a husband and father. It's my job to take care of things at home. A lot of women expect their husbands to work all day and then come home and share a large burned of the housework as well. This is fine when both husband and wife work, but I disagree with it when one the pair stay home.
I'm also not saying that I expect myself to have a perfect house and dinner on the table every night, although I'll admit, I feel a sense of accomloishment when I do. I was just questioning why it's so much more important for me to have a perfect house for others than for my husband and even myself. I think of it this way. What if Jeremy decided to bring an employee home for dinner every night. I would work hard to make sure that the house ws perfect and that dinner way ready. Why would I do this? If I'm honest about it the first reason would be to impress the employee, the second reason would be to make myself look good. I suppose, residually, Jeremy would look good, too. But, look, it would be my terciary reason! Is that acceptable?
Ansering these kinds of questions is why I'm doing these postings. I'm trying to hammer out my postion on this, and figure out how to apply it. I also like the dialog!
Great, another short novel from Amy!
Apparently we're going to have to discuss this tonight with everyone. I know Amie shares your views and I'm curious to see who else does. Perhaps you could do one of your prebook club research sessions or print your posts so we can remember the points we want to argue. My curiousity is piqued.
I agree that we all take our own family for granted sometime. For instance we yell at our kids or get frustrated with our husband, but when a stranger does this we tend to bite our tongue (well most of the time I do)I think we are always a lot harder on the ones we love than total strangers. Thanks for the insight...
I totally agree with you...to a point. I tried to do all the housework when I first became a SAHM (stay at home mom) with Leah. I figured my job was to take care of Leah and the house. So when Leah was napping, my attention switched to housework. Once Hannah came along, my views changed. I have to nap with the girls every couple of days to keep my strength up, and I don't always have time to clean. But it doesn't mean I havent worked all day. I have; taking care and meeting the needs of two amazing girls. What is more important, a clean house, or happy kids that have had mommies attention and productive play?
I have come to like cleaning in an odd way. It is tangible proof that I have done something that day. A clean house does give me a sense of accomplishment that is visible. Same with cooking dinner. Only there I am selfish, I love to cook and it can be very relaxing for me.
With the 2 kids now, I do expect Alan to help out more. If his job is 8-5 and mine is 24 hours, is that right? I am up every 3-4 hours with Hannah at night and am on call 24 hours, Alan does not get up with us.
I need his help and no longer feel bad asking for it. I do what I can before he gets home, and yes I try to always make myself look nice (ie clean clothes, make up etc) and do a quick sweep of the house before 5pm, but the duties after 5pm till bedtime are split.
I am in total agreement with you about the "window washer" episode. Why do we try to make things better for strangers or friends than we do family? I realized that a while ago, that is why I make it a point to make the house nice and myself not smell of baby puke before Alan gets home.
I also agree with thanking each other for everyday things. Alan responds great to positive reinforcement. I notice the more I praise him for everyday things, the more likely he is to take on more with out me asking.
I think you have the right idea...but Amy, you are 8 months preggo, and you will have a newborn in the house, your job duties are different now than they were a few months ago. First off you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your family. Dont push too hard (until labor that is) and have Jeremy help out.
When you get adjusted to having 2 to chase after, then take on more responsibility at work!
I started to write a comment and it is really long and more like a post, so I am going to post about this tonight/tomorrow morning. I just love everything you have to say about this and feel really happy that I know someone who has had the shift in thinking like I have.
I know that I should take this leap of faith. I think of it as being all about the golden rule: we should treat our spouses the way we would like to be treated ourselves. The hard part is waiting around for them to start treating us that way, too! But I know that this is a Christlike way to behave and to live, therefore I should be trying to do it. You've inspired me to try harder.
I disagree about the home/housework issues. I try to handle most things, but there are a lot of days when it's all I can do to just keep the kids fed, shuttled around, help them with homework, and clean up the huge messes. The house is still clutteredd and dinner doesn't get made. Oh well. My job is 24/7, and his is not, therefore he needs to help when he can.
We had a power outage and I didn't come back to read your blog until tonight. This was very well said and one that I definitely needed to read. My mom has always told me that a husband becomes what you say about him. Therefore, if you look and comment on the good qualities, he will become that person to you.
hi! I never have looked at your blog before. I am Jessie's friend. Wow. I just love the few posts that I have looked at, you have such good insight into things.
My husband Lou, is really amazing (I know every wife feels that way about their husband) He always treats me as if I were perfect (which I am far from). I struggle with this. Just an example My husband suffers from ADHD so school is a struggle for him. He is very smart so he gets bored quite easily with homework and projects. I feel like I have to be a mom in reminding him to do his homework, going to class etc. The semesters where I stress the most, are always the worst but the semesters where I trust him and compliments all his efforts with school even if it's as small as going to class, things seem to go a lot better. I guess this comment goes better with your "Behave as if" post.
I look forward to reading your blog more.
I think you have made lots of great points. I agree that you get more with honey-- and frankly, I love hearing kind words from my husband, yet I am terrible about making sure I give him compliments as well. So- lots of food for thought.
But, I totally disagree with the idea of being responsible for the housework. I am not a maid. I'm already cleaning up after the kiddo, paying bills, and working full time. Adam can help out with the housework (and he does without complaint).
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